Advice?

Dearest Spaceman Jones

I am a desperate man with almost no good charms and bad breath. The ladies are avoiding me like I am the plague and the men enjoy my presence because it increases their chances. It hasn't been very difficult for me until recently when the most gorgeous of woman life forms entered my local ecosystem. The first time I saw her, I immediately started quoting Mark Twain. . .it's this thing I do when I'm nervous. I need your help Spaceman! Or Huck Finn and his hooligans will be up on me forever more!


Dear Deranged Lover

Firstly, if I am to get you straight, you need help with a person of the female sorts. Personally, I will be of no help to you there. Sorry.

Secondly, my cousin, a french romantic, is very much one of the people who would be happy to flaunt his success in your face while pretending to give you advice!

Third, you should cry in your pink bathrobe for 3 days, and 4.7 nights. Maybe then, you will be a week older. And, alas, a week closer to "the greys..."

The Cyber-Journals of Spaceman Marty Jones

Thursday
March 32
0400 hours
Waxing moon
High Tide
Air Pressure: 70 PSI
Status: Cyber-hungry...

Dear Voice Recognition System X3000
Todays cyber-events in Sector XII, Subsection Beta, were very uneventful. I managed to thwart the evil plans of severals of level 12 Cyber-Gangloid Overloads. It was not a muchly entertaining event, most of the Cyber-Gangloids I encounter these days are up on level 57. They be the Cyber-Axe weilding kind too. There was one Cyber-issue on the Cyber-Max Bus this morning though. Some Cyber-Hippies hacked some Intenet-Trojan-Cyber-Viruses on to my Cyber-Walkman. I was stuck listening to contemporary jazz for up on twelve dang minutes!!

And not to mention the Cyber-Babes on my coffee break.
For real, not to mention them.

Cyber-ing out
Twelfth Assistant Liutenant Chipotle Manager of the Third Degree in Mathematics
Martin (Marty) Jones

April Foolishness

My mom died
Snails ate my house
You have something on your shirt
A cow ate my homework
I'm pregnant
My dad died
My middle name is Gunther
My pregnant Gunther ate the snails in my homework

APRIL FOOLS!

Oh I got you didn't I

HA

April Fools is one of those things that you dont look forward to, but when you realize that it is April 1. . . It's go time, your day just cranked up a notch.

What I think, is that every day in April should be April Fools. Like March Madness and February Freakouts. . . and October Buffalo wing Fridays.

There is always that one kid that starts the April Fools pranking, it always starts with one person and spreads out like a crazy rumor. Nobody ever gets mad at eachother for the pranking, EXCEPT the person who started it. . . Everyone hates that guy. No idea why.

I think it would be interesting to see what people in Midevil times did on April Fools. . .

"Oh yes Gerreldeth de Motague, I have put peppers of fire into the Friars wine! He shall have breath of flame until morrow next!"

But the worst thing ever about April Fools is when you spend time and effort (about 6 seconds) to plan out your master plan, and the prank-ee immediately shoots it down.

"Oh gad! What foolish youngsters have put these peppers of fire into my brewsky! I love these things! You, good man Gerreldythel, have made my day!"

Oh Gad. . .

Peace to be
the QHT

Hiccups

I am offended, truly reprimanded, discriminated against, prejudicialized, taken aback, and thoroughly stepped upon. No offense. I have not posted any postage since like forever dang long ago and not one person made any peep-age about my absence! Not one comment!

No offense. . .

You call yourselves fans*. You are nothing but lame internet suckerfish. Even you Ithl . . . I thought that I could trust you. You are to me a pestilence, all of you. Seriously no offense. You kill my cattle and give my children the plague. I cannot express my annoyance with your arrogance. You are worse than most of my teachers at school**. The backwash of Doctor Pepper that I drank this afternoon was more satisfying than your lame attempts to participate in my blog majesty.

No offense. . .

Ok I'm done. If you are on the floor crying right now, you can return to your sanity. All of that stuff I said before about the suckerfish and the pestilence was a joke. You know me, a joker. HA.
You guys are cool, helping me with your strong, mouse-clicking index fingers to choose what I should preach about. Hiccups, you have chosen. Hiccups.

Ever notice how people kind of jump when they hiccup?
They make this tiny noise.
Yet inside it is like the eruption of Vesuvius in the sinuses, abdomen, and lungs.

There are so many different ways to hiccup.
All of them suck.

Hiccups. . . are like sneezes.

Hiccups are nothing like sneezes.
Ever try typing sneezes on a keyboard?
The word just looks weird.
Wow.

When Chuck Norris hiccups. . . .
Old men in Louisiana get heart-burn.

Let it be.
The QHT

And really. . .no offense.



*That's pushing it. . . i know
** You should be feeling singed right now, because THAT was a burn.

Poetry II

A frozen winter dove
Flys through the mountains
Into a tundra of candy canes
And the great purple fountains.

A bird is no foreign word
For doves are American loves
They fly, cry, and occasional/eventually/sometimes die
But no matter, for orange rhymes with nothing

With complete purpose and no randomness,
His Holiness

Poetry!

About School, Life, and Other

Achmed is hard for Ty to say
Because his lips don't work that way
Cutting the lunch line makes me cry
Does anyone know about freshman pride?

Eat
Food
Good
Hash Potatoes

Ithl is not stupid and has nice teeth
Jonah has 8 seconds to live
Kidding : )

Lets
Make
Norwegian
Ostriches
Pray

Que?

Refrain from
Selling
Thousands of
Underpants
Vehemently

Wonder Woman
*grumble. . . gru. . . mmbl. . .gurgle*
Yoda
eZekiel

This is a quick try at poetry, I know it's a little cheezy but I thought I would give it a shot.

Yep

Well. . . this is sort of embarrassing to admit, but I was right.

I was assassinated today. . . in the morning. Sometime between the time of 7:24 and 7:29.

You know of what I speak. . . Jonah Heemstra.

I will have my revengance.

A Fly on the Wall. . . . at a MENS sleepover.

Here I shall point out the many things that you did or didn't want to know about mens parties that extend into the wee hours of the morning*. Hold on to your seats, and prepare to stay on the edge of your pants.

When a group of guys hang out, it's inevitable that all sorts of things unsanitary, unethical, disrespectful and who knows what else are going to happen. My friends and I are no exception. We have had more face-slappings and cake-chuckings than I can count.** But first thing is first, here is a list of things that guys DONT do at sleepovers.

1. Sleep
2. Paint our nails
3. Talk about the issues***
4. Do homework
5. Do baking

And to correspond with the not doings, here are the doings as well.

1. Full contact sports
2. Full video game sports
3. Recording our number one jams
4. Umm. . . sometimes. . . . . baking****.

Well I'm bored. So I'm going to stop typing, but trust me, I was going to go on about Rouge Unicorns, Dungeons and Dragons, and THE ALMIGHTY FUTON! And quite possibly. . .*Hushed silence*. . . the Man Code. *gasping. . . babies crying* I had to fill out like 5 hours worth of paperwork to even mention it. I wouldn't be surprised if I am assassinated within 40 minutes.

Children. . . carry on my legacy. And may you never get the Salmonella.*********




*sleepovers, but with less sleeping.
**4
***Umm occasionally we talk about SOME issues. . .NOT who is the hottest on Reality TV though. Definitely not. For real. Never ever.
****There was this one time when we made cookies. . . but they were GOOD.
*********Really, it isn't fun. I had like a whole month of summer spent on the couch b/c of it.

Someone just tell me if these are annoying, I think they're kind of fun. But hey, you can deal with it, you Ithlite.

Friday the 13th

The average American trips down the stairs twice a week*. I tripped down the stairs twice today. Once at school. How embarrassing.


thequeenheartstacos.tumblr.com

I decided to try out this new blog style. Tumblr. I think it's supposed to be like Flickr. Who knows.

But yea, I might be posting there every once in a while. If you want the full effect, I recommend checking it out.


Until later
The QHT



*May or may not be actual fact based on actual scientific research.

February

February is full of disappointments, joys, snow, slush, snow slush, and that stuff you get when you mistakingly snow-blow your lawn. Essentially, February is just one of those awkward months. Not snow, not rain, not cold, not warm. To add to that, it has one of those weird spellings, I've had to correct like 6 of them so far. I'm gonna go spelling things like Febuary and Wendsday from now on, or at least until people start getting my last name right. Cheyne. Not Sheyne, not Ca-Heyne. Its a CH. It makes a Chu sound. As in Chain. Fix it.

Back to the Febs. What does it even have to offer? Groundhog day? They replaced the groundhog with a blind woodchuck like 40 years ago. Scamming us into endless winter. How you feel now Uncle Sam? This isnt even winter, it's wet, then cold, then ice, then melty, then rock solid. It's the time when you make a huge snowman out of that amazing packing snow that they use in like the Olympics. Only you make it really stupid and add as many things as you can to mock the neighbors. You think that it will be melted by morning right? Wrong. That baby freezes rock solid. You cant even pry off the kitchen accessories or women apparel that you dressed 'er up with.

OH! Get this. We have Friday the 13th this month. I think my luck is already changing. This morning, and not only did I cross a black cat, but I was walking directly behind Chuck Norris. I barely escaped with my life. Furthermore, I heard on the news that our senior citizens are down on their luck. 14 incidents involving large glasses and fashion crisis. There was one involving a road raging potato farmer as well, but no matter.

(Added for the person who commented about not including Valentines Day)
Valentines day is in February too. It's when thousands of men are forced into purchasing up on 60 bucks worth of jewelrys, flowers, and for the most daring. . . clothing. It's one of those things where the guys who cant participate, wish they could. And the guys who are participating wish they weren't. Oh yeah, and this year, it's the day after Friday the 13th, so we're all going to be on our little bad luck hangovers when suddenly we have to pick up our lovely European chocolates. Stupid Europe. They're too romantic.

(Your welcome)

Oh and the Superbowl, but I don't want to offend anyone by mentioning how much I don't like football because it's kinda lame.

Oops

Uncle Sam. . . we want our groundhog.

Our Complete Profile- Go Crazy You Stalkers

Connor "Crazychopsticks" Cheyne
Born Date: 1942. . . Columbus sailed the ocean blue, half past noon o'clock.
Born Place: Gerald's Bar and Grill
Weight: Muscles
Height: Undefined
Credit Card Number: 6
Superpowers: Regrettably. . . none
Sense of Direction: Ridiculously low

Jonah "T" Heemstra
Born Day: Unknown
Born Where?: Mountain Town, Iowa
Weight:1.5 goats
Height: 3 sacks of barley
Identity Theft: Much
Recent Crimes: 6 counts of Not Parking Violations, 3 counts of Frolicking in the Minimal, and 9 counts of Disturbing the Peace, which includes yelling, screaming, loud music, and clubbing a small tree with a toilet scrubber while singing "It ain't gonna rain no more."


Set lasers to stun.

Just Some Thoughts. . . In Olde English

Things Not To Joketh About

• The destruction of thine sisters bunny.
• The quality of thine mothers foodstuffs.
• The economical crisis of thine mother-country.
• Chuck Norris

What thou Doest to Get Thine Butt Whooped In Thy School

• Quote thy favorite Sci-Fi movie. If thou wisheth to re-live the Star Wars battles, do so in thine bedroom.
  
• Act older than thy superiors. A senior is he, so moveth from his way. Particularly in thine lunch line area.
• Tuck in thy shirt, pull up thy breeches, and weareth a mighty belt. . . and a Detroit Lions hooded sweatshirt.
• Chuck Norris

How to Get thine Bottocks Chuckethed Into Thine Local Prison

• Driveth drunkenly, with thine cigar in mouth, and beer can in thy cupholder. Though you are only 14. Swerveth to thy left and to thy right, so as to cause panic to the sharers of thine road. Don't look where thy goeth. Speaketh to thine friends in the backseat, who are playing with knives as long as thine shin-bone. Do not shake too violently though, for thou might forgeteth about thine 4 illegal immigrants that thou picked up earlier. Smoking medical marijuanna for the injury they might receive in the future. Oh, and put out thine rear tail-lights. How pointless.
  
• Insult thine mothers meatloaf.
• Chuck Norris
  

How to Get Out Of Economical Crisis

• Moveth to Sweden, where meatballs and dynamite are thine true economy.
• Chuck Norris
• Kill thine sisters bunny.
  

Newcomers Here

I was just thinking, there have been a few people who are just visiting the site, and I want them to have the full experience, so heres what I would call. . . the Best of 2008. Some of the posts I made that the newbies might have missed. I'm gonna put down the ones I recommend, but if anyone wants to comment on theirs. . . go for it.

First One
Unlucky
The Elderly
Thanksgiving!


So those are just a few, feel free to give your own input.

Ending the only post here that hasnt been for a humorous purpose.
Connor Cheyne

Spring Cleaning. . . in Winter.

So heres some of the things I've found after looking through all my old pictures. It's a sight to see I'll say.
I dont even remember where this one came from. I'm sure Ive used it as an MSN pic before though.
I'm afraid to say that I know exactly where this one came from. My dad e-mailed it to me. All I want to know is how many rounds it took to take down that squirrel. But I get the feeling they did all of that with their bare hands. . . blindfolded.
This one sums up all of the junk in my pictures folder. It sits side by side with pictures of Scooby Doo . . . . and other obscenities.

Jonah says hi. Dude is still up there with those monks. The Few, The Brave, the ZMA.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!. . . one day late

Here are some very real highlights of my new years party.

This very real picture is of me doing my backflip onto the bridge-tunnel-of-near-death after drinking severals of Red Bulls.

I ALMOST made it. My sponsors and hospital bills were going crazy. You shoulda seen it.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND while i'm at it!

A moose

Happy Late 2009