I hath Returnethed

So I bet all 5 of you who come on regularly are wondering what the heck I've been doing for the past. . . while. Well here we go, I'll tell. But you all owe me 7.50.

I was far in the Andes Mountains. . . training with the never before seen Zen Monk Army (ZMA). At a height of 2560 ft, karate kicks and high altitude baking can be a challenge, but I love a challenge. Any day now, the ZMA will come knocking on your door. You will know that it's us because of our low pitch humming, our horse hair robes, and the pleasant smell of freshly baked breads in the air. You shall open the door, and before you can even think "Wow, the gurl-scouts have officially taken it too far", you will have dozens of pastries stuck in your mouth, eyes, and creatively decorated as a center piece on your dinner table. By the time we are gone (7.89 seconds) you don't know if you have been attacked or pleasantly surprised.

So that explains my absence. By the way, my new name in South America is Gwon-Degidegideg. The local children say it means "He who constantly breaks wind." I am almost positive that they were talking about my rather inexpensive colognac which I applied constantly. You don't want to go smellin' bad. . . in the blazing blaze of the northern Andes.

Ithl. . . your obsessed.

Shout Out

So for like the past two weeks, I've had umm. . . zero comments to check and moderate. So I was quite a happy person when suddenly I had 6 of them just waiting there. I'm not sure if this is computer error or just a spontaneous amount of traffic. Quite honestly I don't know what to think about this.

I already gave a shout out to my friend Mr. Turkeycorn. Don't tell him, but I was thinking about maybe getting a discount on my vegetables. . . it's unfortunate he doesnt sell potatoes. Maybe some day a Scandinavian potatoe farmer will comment. OH I cant wait.

This brings me to YOU Ithl. I dont know what you want, or what your name stands for. But the last time I waltzed into the International Tooth House in Louisiana, I had to watch some lame movie about gingivitis. Lemme tell ya Ithula, brush 3 times a day, and make sure to sing the ABC's at least twice. If not, the consequences. . . .can be disgusting.

Oh and Aunt Angie. . . I have never been so simultaneoulsy honored and embarrased to have you comment, all the way from the blazing blaze* of northern Virginia. Tell the cousins. . . to keep it real.

All y'alls keep it clean
connor

*Line stolen from Jonah Heemstra, whose utterances are an enlightenment to humanity. May they never go hungry "in the blazing blaze of southern Montana. . . "

Finally. . .

So today I realized something, if I go onto Mozilla instead of Avant. . . I can do THIS. I am so syched. It's like magical magic in my computer. My Avant was definetly holding out on me. I can do ANYTHING! Heres a hint to you, I might be posting a lot more often now. Because now I can make PICTURES!


I like the blue me, he is a charming me, and now he owes me 7.50.

Whoa!!!

http://www.thequeenheartstacos.blogspot.com

I can make a link!!!!

Go here, and pull the finger.

For Mr. Grimes

Jonah

Lack of Humor. . or "Your SO funny!" (with sarcastic undertones)

In the beginning of the school year, to get to know some of our fellow inmates, we played some weird game where you had to come up with two truths and a lie. Where your convicted buddies try to guess which one is a lie. Easy. So as soon as I hear the teacher say we're playing that game, I start furiously racking my brain for anything that might make my incarcerated fellows think "that kid is funny" or "I think I'll give him 7.50." I've come to recognise something. Other people are thinking the same thing. They are just the equivalent of a comedic trainwreck, which I dont think would be that funny.

First of all, In this two truths and a lie game. Theres always the kid who tries to throw you off by a miniscule measurement. So that the right answer is impossible to find, but you still feel like an idiot when you get it wrong.

"I was born in Chuckanut, Montana. I weigh 138.8lbs. Or I was charged by a bull moose while breaking the Guiness World Record for most times slapping ones self in the face."

After that, the kid thinks he owned you, because it was actually an Alaskan Grey Elk that charged him while he was actually doing as many consecutive bellyflops into his hottub as he could. 3. Not even a county record. Let alone a worldly one. So this kid thinks he absolutely hilarious and everyone else wants to either groan or kick themselves.

So all that to explain my pet peeve of people who think they're funny.

Even better is the kid who starts rattling off these inside jokes that he and his only friend made when they were playing HALO at 4 in the morning. "No really man, I was at like, a jillion kills and it was SO funny you shoulda been there!"

Yea. I totally missed out.

I really hope I didn't offend anybody with this, but I think I'm safe, seems nobody ever admits that they are humorically hopeless.

Attempting to wrap up this post
connor

Today's Useless Thing that Someone Said

"If toast always lands the butter side down, and a cat always lands on it's feet. What happens if you strap toast on a cat and drop it?" -Steven Wright

Here we go, this guy was thinking. I'll bet he did dozens of tests and made severals of hypothesises(whoa) to come to the conclusion that a toast-strapped cat. . . will hover off the ground. It's like a magnetic field man, someday we are all gonna be riding our toast cats to work. "Eco-friendly, and dogs get a kick out of it!"

Let Us Give Thanks!

Thanksgiving is a time of giving thanks. Not very tricky. So I have a few things of thanks to give thanks to. Let me start. . . with the primary food groups. I am thankful for corn, it's yellowness brings a new and joyous color to my plate. I am thankful for cardboard. It is what they feed the turkey when it is growing up. I am thankful for potatoes, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, twice baked potatoes, cheezy potatoes, sweet potatoes, baked sweet potatoes, mashed sweet potatoes, twice baked sweet potatoes, twice mashed with marshmallows and cinnimon sugar on top sweet potatoes, and potato salad. I am also thankful for circles. Without them, we would not have pie. What would we ever do. . . if our pie was in the shape of a rhombus?

I am UN-thankful for cranberries, mashed, and then turned into a petroleum product. I am un-thankful for the word thankful, I don't remember if it has one L or two. I am un-thankful for an under-abundance of salt shakers with an over-abundance of salt lovers. I am un-thankful for hyphens, or dashes. They are a pain. I am VERY un-thankful for pilgrims. They are un-truthful, and very un-thankful. They didn't give thanks to the natives of America. They gave them smallpox. Finally, I am un-thankful for modern art, the only sport which elephants seem to be better at than humans.

Amen

not actually a bunch of gibberish. . or a virus

Kerancang adalah cara membordir khas dari Bukittinggi. Bordiran dibuat menggunakan mesin yang sangat sederhana (mesin jahit hitam. Kerancang ini sangat tinggi nilai seninya. Karna 1 helai mukena dikerjakan selama 1 - 2 bulan. Hasil kerancang sangat halus namun kuat. Itulah sebabnya mukena kerancang harganya agak tinggi karna hasil kerancangnya sangat bagus.

If you actually read that, and took note of the title, that means your reading this right now. I'm happy for you. I got the above scripture from some blog about. . . well it was all sounding like what you were reading, so i dont know what it was about. There were some pots and some flowers though. I pity the person who thought it was wise to try and read that out loud. Its a doozy. So I'm going to try and translate. Enjoy.

First, its obvious that a woman whose name is Karen Cang has written it. She is from the memorable town of Bukittinggi, where she purchased an adalah. Karen takes this time to tell us that a salami biker-jacket costs 1-2 bulan, a form of currency. Her friend Bordi ran all the way from Menggunkan to Sederhana to get it. Unfortunately, he tripped over 3 sangats. Then a Masin hit him. But Karen threw a sangat at it and it turned into an Itulah. The rest i can get is something about mucus and Karen putting a sangat in a bag. Dont ask me what she's going to do with it. But ive been told that sangats can be sold for a pretty penny (6-7 bulan), that'll bring home the bacon.

I hope you all had a pleasant sunday, full of sebabnya and free of harganya. And may you never come across a dikerjakan.

The Fun We Can Have From Natural Disasters (not as heartless as it sounds)

Three words

Pop

Can

Drive

For hurricane Katrina, and let me point this out. We were not helping the hurricane, like buying it winds and rains and floods. Not that. If I wanted to do that I would'nt be collecting pop cans.

So here we are, going house to house collecting all sorts of cans. Oh yeah, i've got stories.

1. The Guy Who Asked What We Were Selling
Umm this one explains itself, we told him we were selling empty trash bags. He laughed, and he was really old. (See previous post) So yea, I got an old guy to laugh. He gave us about 4 Mountain Dew cans.

2. The Average Joe Who Turned Out to be Cool
I may have made a type-o, nothing about this guy was ordinary, first of all, he had a house with those cool knockers that you see on a haunted house or a castle or something. But cutting to the chase here, he gave us each a Coke. So really the title should be, "The Dude with the Cool House Who Gave us Cokes" or "The Man Whose Horrible Quantity of Cans Was Made Up for by His Free, Non-Alchoholic Beverages."

3. The Woman With the Big Dog
Uuuum yea. Do I even have to say anything?

4. The Lady Who Only Let Us Take One Bag
When an elderly woman in a one peice pajama suit comes to the door, you know things are going to be interesting. It went like this. I started saying how we were from a chuch youth group, and that we were collecting pop cans. Pajama woman in and yells "WHAT ARE YOU COLLECTIN' FOR!" Not wanting to upset this woman, I quickly told her that we were helping Katrina. (We had already made 6 or 7 "Katrina is my wife" jokes by now.)The lady ponders. Really, it takes me less time to figure out what I'm wearing in the morning. Then she speaks. She tells us in her already hard to take seriously because she's wearing a one-sie voice, that we may take ONLY ONE bag. Emphasis on only one. So we go into her garage and she stares us down while we only take one bag. . . like we were really going to take both, it would have been about. . . 60 cents. Nevertheless, we got out of there fast.

5. Back to The Woman With the Big Dog
That dog was huge! It was the kind you see in movies where the guy gets his legs ripped off! It even had one of those spiky collars! I was seriously scared. And I usually like dogs.

5 1/2. The Lady Who Thought it was Halloween
I'm not saying anything here either, sometimes it's just sad. (See a few posts back)

6. Best For Last
So when me and Jonah were about at dog lady's house, the other guys who were collecting with us were across the street. We noticed because a man was out in the driveway with them. No ordinary man here either, I'm pretty sure he had just chugged most of the beer bottles that he had given to the guys. These were the only words I heard him say, try to imagine an incredible southern, farmerish, drunkard accent. "That there is big boy pop cans kids!" To make it all worth it, Meijer didnt accept the kind of bottles he gave them.

That's that, we did a good service and got a great time and two cokes out of it, this one is for you Louisiana.

The Elderly

Lets face it, we are all going to get old. As much as you think that you're hip and cool, the young'uns of the next generation are going to think that you're old and crochety. The truth is, we can't affect how old we get, but we can affect the kind of old person we become. It's like the bank. Store all of your cool in now and you're going to get it all back plus interest in like. . . 80 years.

Here's how it works. . . you do as many awesome things as you can right now. Parasail, BASE jump, pretty much any extreme sport will do. Because when you tell that stuff to your grandkids, they're going to think your the coolest. Don't tell them any of that "I shook hands with the president" or "Mona Lisa is my aunt" thing. That is old and crotchety to the max. I dont know about you, but I'm going to tell my grandkids that I put an ostrich in a sleeper hold. OOh, and when I'm old, I wan't to have a cane, and use an insane accent. Who hasn't wanted to yell "you young-uns skeeeeedadle!" at the top of their lungs, while hitting people with the cane. Just picture that. . . it's ok to laugh.

In my opinion, being old is going to be a release from all the pressures in life. For example. What person over 60 wakes up and has to think about what they're going to wear. Is anyone going to judge them? No. The thought process goes like this, "I need clothes" and then "these shorts look nice, I think I'll pull them up to my bellybutton, so that my shirt never comes un-tucked!" And while we're on clothing benefits, have you ever seen the huge glasses some of those people wear? Really, if you looked into the sun with a pair of those on. . . i'm pretty sure it would melt you face off. I'm think I saw some survival show where a lady started a fire like that. Which is why the elderly dont take mid-day walks through feilds of grass while the sun is directly overhead. . . instant disaster.

So whether you see an old person at the mall or at your house. Driving a Lincoln or something Italian. Cane or no cane. Just remember, the elderly used to be cool, it's just. . . been a while. And if you know an old person who actually IS cool, make sure you tell them how much you appreciate them, they are a rare gem to our society. Now, you have at least a 50% greater chance of being awesome in your 90's after reading this. Your welcome.

Oh, and keep good hygeine. . . do NOT be old and smelly. End of topic.

Unlucky

Some people don't beleive in luck. . . some do. Say I go win the lottery. There are people who will tell me that I got lucky. Other people will look at probablilitys (spell check?) and tell me that I had a one gajillionth of a chance to win and I did. So basically they were both saying I got really lucky. . . Ok thats what I call a bad example. I'm not even old enough to buy lottery tickets.

Try two. So say that I am driving along. . . and suddenly I have to swerve to dodge a conga line of black cats. Then I go home, and mistakingly flush my lucky rabit foot down the toilet. Then I go to mow the lawn. Little to my knowings, I've just run over the only patch of four leaf clover for 50 miles. Then I go walk under a ladder, break a mirror, and spot a flock of albotross. Coincidence? (spell check?) Yea. . . its a coincidence. . . because then I go ahead and win the lottery. There. Deal with it.

This is usually where I would either wrap up or wind down this post. . . depending on where I wanted to go with the point I was rolling with. Well get this. . . I have no idea where I was going with my point, I didnt even have a point. I was just gonna improvise as i went along. I probably shouldnt even post this, but who knows? Maybe some psychos will read this and get so confused that they become geniuses and win Nobel Prizes. Lucky them.

One last message to the people. . . If you had one of the days that I explained in the paragraph located two above this one. Your toast. No joke, you might as well scream "I don't beleive in fairies!" and then go play Russian Roulette. I am terribly sorry.

So now your confused because of everything, jealous because I'm a millionare, and mad because I've just pretty much told you that you have an increasingly short time to live. I see that I've accomplished a lot in the half hour it took me to write this. Lucky me.



That was for you Jim.

Nun- Chuckers

Times have changed gentlemen, halloween is no longer what it used to be. . . The good ol' days when you would come back home with enough candy to support the Allied Nations are most definetly over. There are severals of good reasons why this is so. Let me explain. . . in bullet form :)

1. Females

I dont care what your doing on Halloween, it has been affected by females. . . unless of course your a female yourself, in which case you should take a skip over this first one. But really, we decided to go trick-o-treatin with a bunch of ladies this year. Good idea right? False. Very false. Fun? Yes. Candy? None whatsover. Dont get me wrong. . . running around with a pack of gurlz is fun, but at the end of the night. . . who is the one who has all of the candy? You guessed it, the little kids who went out at 4:30, stayed out untill 9, and ran their little buns off going door to door to door. We just stood and walked and then stood some more.

2. Costumes

Once you reach the teenage years, there are 2 different kinds of people. The ones that dress up in such elaborate costumes that you actually think Hulk is at your door. And the ones where the person who is wearing the costume doesnt even know what he/she is. But heres the fact. The guys who dress up like ninja's and actually have swords and nun-chuckers and all that (those are the elaborate ones) dont have any hand room for a bucket. See? What ninja caries a bucket!?! So this ninja man just goes door to door, showing off his costume, and wondering what the world to do with his candy. Which he then decides to chuck at some nun's. The other people dont even care about a bucket(us). They just eat the candy as they go along. (us)

3. There is no 3, i could actually probably go untill 23 but my mom is leaving in like 5 minutes plus i'm tired and hungry, so i'm just gonna end it right here. So just remember. If you want candy, stay away from women, and just. . . . dress up AS a bag-bucket (theres a thought).

The Queen Loves Tacos

Here we go. . . this is like the actual step one of this whole blog thing. I've discovered actually, that half of the people you ask will say that blogging is stupid. But hey, ive done stupider things, and this is sweet. Ive also discovered that half of the people I ask will tell me that my address thing is stupid. Seriously, i didnt know what to put. The Queen Loves Tacos was actually a sweet idea.
It started when Jonah and I (and Mitch{power to the people})were having a "sleepover," or maybe a "dudes night out." I dunno somehow we got talking about yoga. Good ol' yoga. Someone mentions something about buns and thighs. That was it. . .buns and thighs was born. We made a song with like 4 verses and a sweet chorus, and called it Buns and Thighs.(oh man if i can find out how to put music on here!) We needed a band name. Yea. You got it. The Queen Loves Tacos. See? Terrible web address, but at least a semi-cool band name.

I figured out something else too. It's really hard to try and be funny twice in a row. Or even just twice. Especially if I'm usually gonna be writing these things without Jonah. The dude is my inspiration. So I'm going to try my best to be entertaining. Just a hint, if you are on the floor laughing right now, you are so false. Its not even funny how wrong you are. See the previous post, item number 3.

the first one!

Yo, if you haven't used your highly intelligent minds in about 3 years, and have somehow managed to stumble/trip onto this website, it is time to embrace your misfortune. You will probably have noticed that this is my first blog, and my first post. Well, actually, its OUR first blog, Connor and Jonah. Im Connor and the other half of this thing is Jonah. But its my computer so you can try to explain that one to the jury. But still. . . our first blog.

Unlike other things blogs, as we have figured out, dont go down as smooth as most people think. Allow us to tell you how badly we are going to wreck this.

1. There will be MANY type-o's, and were not going to apologize, or do anything about them, your just gonna have to deal with it.

2. If you want cool effects and dancing monkeys, go somewhere else, neither of us know how to make dinner, let alone do these "easy" and "step by step" monkey instructions.

3. We are going to say what we think. . . and it will be funny. Laugh. If it isnt funny, then we dont want it to be. We both have a very developed senses of humor, so we know when we are and aren't funny. Now is one of those not funny times. So dont laugh.